Change The Story to release the Pain

“Tears come from the heart and not from the brain.”

Leonardo da Vinci

Do you love a good movie , a good book or a good song especially if those moments includes happy endings to the story. We remember information easier if there is a story because the brain classifies information in pictures in relation to our experiences. Life events shape our perception and memories either in a positive or negative situation. The reality for all of humanity will experience trauma in all its shapes and forms. Painful experiences can shape our view of reality to be counterproductive for not moving forward. For example PTSD( Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) the effect has according to N.H.S. U.K says” Someone with PTSD often relives the traumatic event through nightmares and flashbacks, and may experience feelings of isolation, irritability and guilt. They may also have problems sleeping, such as insomnia and find concentrating difficult.

There are many different approaches to rectify the unsettling events and experiences that occurred in the brain and the body. On my journey of experiences from learning therapeutic counselling skills with many other models and reading many insightful books the many approaches have limitations. One shoe doesn’t fit all because everyone is different and each persons reality will be different. Even twins have different perspectives.There is a fascinating ongoing study to emphasis this point of differences in individuals. The old story nurture very nature.

Here is a quote from paper”These first results highlight that there is a genetic contribution accounting for variance in both grey and white matter. Results from the later phases will further identify the specific genetic and environmental contributions to each aspect of grey matter — volume, thickness and surface area. Because cortical thickness and surface area are both functions of volume (Panizzon et al.,2009), volumetric estimates may not, by themselves, discriminate between genetic and environmentally independent traits of surface area and the correlated traits of cortical thickness  results provide the first outcomes from the TWIN-E study, and indicate it is a generalizable sample that will build on previous findings. It provides the first step towards linking brain imaging data with measures of self-report, functional status, side effects, genomics, cognition, and psychophysiology, to establish endophenotypes for emotional health and risk for mental illness.(https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/twin-research-and-human-genetics/article/twine-project-in-emotional-wellbeing-study-protocol-and-preliminary-heritability-results-across-four-mri-and-dti-measures/A5B1FDA4BAD55F96F56A55588F0D707D#)

I watched a program recently with an interview with Joe Dispenza and he used this quote which is from one of his older books(I have read it)“Can you accept the notion that once you change your internal state (story), you don’t need the external world to provide you with a reason to feel joy, gratitude, appreciation, or any other elevated emotion?” 

I was relating to my 20 year son who lives near Oxford explaining how to resolve trauma effectively. My wife (his mother) died of cancer 4 years ago and he was at home experiencing the events with the rest of the family. I said the main reason why some of our past experiences are still painful is because we retell the story with the emotion attached to it. Logically and rationally if we retell the story without the emotion it is just a piece of information. Of course to do this we need to process the emotion and release it or detached the emotional charge. This can take time and sometimes professional help to process it. The suffering Buddha says comes from attachments. An example why changing the story helps is example of myself mentioned earlier. I was happily married for 21 years then my wife died at a young age. It was a massive loss for me and the children and the rest of the family. If I still believe I was in a marriage with a dead person and focus on the past continually, naturally I would get depressed and eventually die with her. The fact is my emotional attachment needed to change. For example if you hit your finger with a hammer you don’t relive the pain every time you use a hammar , the emotional charges has gone. For me personally I needed to ADJUST to a new self and release the idea of being married to a single person again adjusting my life focusing on Steve not Kate. Now when I relate my story I rephrase the emotion on a positive for Kate because she is no longer suffering and for me I had privilege of being blessed with 4 beautiful children and being married. Finally every day is a bonus because ancient wisdom says “If you realise that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.” 
― Lao Tzu, Dao De Jing

Every problem we encounter on our journey give us opportunities to learn from the experience. I have the wisdom of life experiences of teaching myself compassion. Before my wife died I never thought I was important and believed my feelings were not important. Despite the huge problems you are going to face in this lifetime remember after every storm there is going to be a sunny day. Reprogram your stories to release all the negatively and stop being the victim be victorious instead. Focus on the narratives you tell yourself by lowering expectations when times are hard. Be kind to yourself then you will be kind to the world. The Quran says ” Is the reward of goodness anything but goodness” ہَلۡ جَزَآءُ الۡاِحۡسَانِ اِلَّا الۡاِحۡسَانُ ﴿ۚ۶۱﴾

Tears come from the heart and not from the brain” Emotions tell us that something is wrong for that moment so don’t be ashamed feel the emotions be compassionate to yourself then you can share others pain with no judgments. The heart is the gateway to Change The Story to release the Pain and embrace the love of life.

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