Another part of my book What are you afraid of?
What is unselfish love? When we compare selfishness to unselfish then we can understand our motivations and distinguish our own tendencies. Example of the parent and child scenario with the quality of unselfish love for the child. A mother carnies a unborn child for 280 days through rain or shine. The mother shows her unselfish love by not thinking of just about her needs by sacrificing any harmful actions that might effect the unborn child. When the child is born the unselfish love of the parent is pushed to the limits with sleepless nights , lack of personal space and other demands. In sharp contrast the synonyms words for selfish are: egotistical, greedy, narrow minded, prejudice, self interested are just few ideas according thesaurus.com.
A foundation stone to unselfish love would be supported by unconditional positive regard for the person. What does this mean? in in practical terms with a relationship. Positive psychology .com 2019 explains it masterfully ”Unconditional positive regard is not about liking a client or accepting everything they have done; it’s about respecting the client as a human being with his or her own free will and operating under the assumption that he or she is doing the best they can. Does that mean I can accept any behaviour in my relationships? What if they upset me with no unconditional positive regard about my feelings and core values?
The Fear of peoples behaviour can have a tremendous negative effect on us.The impact effect us emotionally, mentally and even physically. When a person actions impact us regularly do we accept all negative behaviours as thier freedom of passage to do what they want. The continued infringement of our own personal space will lead to our detriment and well being. The solution is very simple to resolve.There are millions of individuals for whatever reasons are afraid or don’t know how to confront this real fear of confrontation. Having no BOUNDARIES is one of the most significant reason why relationships don’t flourish. We are shaped from childhood and our reference point both subconsciously and consciously determines what we are prepared to accept there is sometimes a lot fear because of our previous experiences in relationships as a child. The boundaries could of been so extreme and unreasonable we may be still in fear of tackling those boundaries as an adult. Other extreme there may have been no boundaries where you felt safe as a child. Forcing you to see boundaries as a threat to your identity. A trained therapist can help you navigate your experiences of boundaries with unconditional positive regard.Before we explain any further on this area, let see the practical, beneficial and loving reason why boundaries are necessary.
Imagine that you live a cold and wet country with your family in a lovely cosy warm home. Every body safe is asleep in a constant warm, dry, loving environment. Outside the rain is pouring down bouncing off the windows with the wind howling through the trees. The temperature outside is about 2 degrees with the threat of decreasing early in the morning maybe with some snow and sleet on the way. You have an excellent heating system regulating the temperature in the house. Your home is well insulated and secure from the outside elements. This safe and constant environment will be a haven for you and your family. How would you feel after sleeping outside in the harsh environment for several hours or even a whole night? I’m sure your experience will have a very negative effect on your wellbeing. The safest and smartest option will be to refuse to leave the comfort of your home. Sleeping inside the home being protected by the harsh conditions is rationally the best option. We know that having a home comes at cost because that’s way society’s determines the living conditions in western civilisation. We are thankful that every well built house has a structure with the walls , insulation and damp proofing. These very real physical boundaries gives us comfort, security from nature’s weather. The house had to be constructed with clear demarcation of walls and utilities to become a warm cosy home. The architect had a vision of supported frames , structural engineering and flow of the internal space. The same is true with relationships and the necessary boundaries to facilitate the vision of flow in a safe place with a warm intimate relationship.
Every new relationship to be successful another foundation stone of commitment is needed to be in place. A great reference point to negotiate different points of views is to have an agreement on how the relationship will function. In simple terms this is a contract of what is expected by all parties and what is not tolerated in the relationship agreed by all. In fact this is a boundary which is defined in many different ways in society. We see this in the professional environment in the work place. We have examples with the regulations of the communities and the affairs of religious organisations detailing what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. The terms of any contract or boundary has to suit the needs of all parties involved for the continued relationship grow in a healthy environment.