Extract from my book”What are you afraid of”
An important concept with any relationship is to look at ourselves first. For a meaningful and congruent attachment is to recognise this salient point only we can only change ourselves and no one else can do it for us.To think and to act otherwise we inhibit the many clauses of basic human rights. Article 10 freedom of expression Article 9 freedom of thought found online at :equality human right (2018).
Imagine you were required to behave , work , think a special way for a partner , parent or a boss for a period of one week / 7 days with no personal free time. to express yourself. The thought that comes to mind of being in a prison or in some kind of slavery or servitude. You are not allowing yourself to be who you truly are , actually you would be someone else by you acted as you go through life putting your needs secondary.
The beauty of life is it’s endless varieties, the vast array of flower species on this planet is awe inspiring with vast collection of different species. Within the species there is variations of shapes , sizes and fragrances . The variety of many living organisms from the flying creatures above to millions of insects beneath our feet.
There exists an infinite number of human relationships with various needs and attachment styles. Sadly there are the structures of coexistence of humans or family clusters where the legacy of tyranny resides in an open conformist system. Even in a subtle way the ideology of one partner subconsciously performs behaviour to control others.
If you would like complete control in a relationship I suggest that to facilitate that need build a robot who doesn’t think or questions your intelligence or demands. You could have the privilege to program the machine to suit all your basic needs. The Dalia Lama said”We have to consider what we human beings really are. We are not like machine-made objects. If we are merely mechanical entities, then machines themselves could alleviate all of our sufferings and fulfil our needs.” To understand someone and to love them for who they are is the greatest gift you could give them.
To be aware of our interpersonal relationships may be alarming to ourselves. Realising that a component in a intimate relationship that both or one of the parties manifest conscious or subconscious control may cause fear. How would you feel if your children or partner only told you I love because they had to or out of some anxiety. There may be another motive why the words are heard” I love you”.
Everyone has the choice to treat another person as an individual. This includes their personal values, beliefs systems and thier perspective of life. The challenge we will face with this concept is how this can effect us in different ways. The ideas and feelings of someone we care about or love may conflict with our own perceptions and beliefs. Interesting point is that we may not really understand our own concepts of why we think , feel and behave a certain way. Previously we mentioned that we can’t really change people implicitly.
According to Doctor Skinner ideas” behaviour that is followed by pleasant consequences is likely to be repeated, and behaviour followed by unpleasant consequences is less likely to be repeated.others to control them which is called operant Conditioning” simply psychology online( 2018)
When someone has a different point of view try to understand why they reacted or behaved in a certain way gives us a key to unlocking many fears , either ours or theirs. Human nature is very complex with many different behaviour patterns. When we unravel all the clues of a human mind , we still may not have a real picture of why a person acted in a certain way. There are many professional therapists with different specialties which will enlighten you even more on a particular behaviour pattern
Our brain and body continuously process different emotions and thoughts which will predict the way we will act. It is called the default network mode and there is an excellent video that explains this on new scientist.com online(2017) We can choose to be aware what we are doing in a particular moment with a lot of activities. Generally the body operates in an autopilot modality by our subconscious mind with help of the autonomic nervous systems described in simple terms on kidshealth.org. For a more comprehensive insight use of energy in the brain “information on energy intake and body energy stores is transferred to specialised neurones in the hypothalamus and brainstem. In order to maintain energy homeostasis” mentioned in ncbi.nim.nih.gov 2016.
The reference point of past memories of body systems operational management will cause the body to function on a previous events to conserve energy. It is a very complicated science how we exists with so many body systems working harmoniously in synergy. researchgate.net (2005)Let’s take a simple example of human behaviour and piece by piece simplify the process what’s happening in the brain on how it thinks or perceives will happen at an event .
The constructed feeling of anger is a healthy emotion but can be expressed in a unhealthy violent manifestation towards someone else. The simple statement I have gained from emotional intelligence inquiries about an aspect of anger is a person who complains is in Pain! It maybe not totally obvious at first why a person is angry. Let’s break it down bit by bit like Sherlock Holmes the great detective.
The conversation went as follows” I was not happy the way you behaved last night”the partner said. Did you verbally insult them or physically assault them in some way? The simple truth is no from your perspective. You believe your actions where as you normally act. What caused them to react with anger at that moment in time? One question you could ask yourself to investigate their response. Why did they react like that towards me at that time ? You may try to understand what was going on for them.The simple answer to this puzzle is that individuals react in different ways all the time. It may be blindingly out of character or a subtle change we did not recognise . Our conclusions we come to feel or believe that was no issues or even any reasons. So why did this event make it different from similar interactions you both had before.
Here are a list of questions to evaluate to delve below the surface of the quandary. It may take some time to reflect and gather all the information and ideas. Do they always react to constructive criticisms? How would they react if the same question was being asked by someone else? Let’s get to underlining value or core beliefs they have. This will help us to understand the way in which subtle influences could effect why they behaved in a particular manner. Is their Self esteem dependent on what others think and say? What is thier history of self worth? Has there been depletion of past experiences of intrinsic self? This is a huge subject with many great books written on the subject especially the topic of emotional intelligence. Golman (1996)
This is just one scenario of how a person self worth has been manufactured by the environment of the past. Imagine this person was once a child and one or both parents were very critical of their child’s behaviour by what they said and did. Imagine that you are that small insecure child living in that environment. How would the child feel over a period of time with constant negative talk. How would you react each time your parent was critical even though you were a child who is still learning about themselves and the big wide world. With an avalanche of dismantling self belief the child endures. The child personal intrinsic emotional growth is stunted by over bearing criticism. The child has several choices , one is either to challenge the parent authority and have further criticism. Another option to be quiet and believe they are wrong and actually believe and feel that thier opinions are of no value . In time unreasonable criticism will deplete the child natural resources of self esteem.
The tides may of have changed and now a later relationship has been a negative environment at home or work. Another example the partner continues to criticise either by word or deed. Their boss at work or colleagues are critical of them over a period of time. Imagine you are that person who has been closely scrutinised by an imperfect human being who could be a friend or lover. Eventually the frustration, anger and emotional pain will spill out on to someone innocent “ The expression of a lot of anger can be pathogenic,” Teicher says. “Children especially suffer when anger is vented. Openly expressed negative, raw, and intense emotion is hard for many people to witness and can leave scars.” That is, children’s brains seem to turn down the volume on abusive words, images, and even pain. The result is diminished integrity in these sensory pathways.”Harvard magazine online Dougherty. A common coping mechanism the unhealthy angry person uses to distract from their uncomfortable emotional pain is being busy. This strategy is being excessively implemented by trying to hide their turmoil and not face the emotions within.We live in a world , where the demands on life cause much pressure on relationships and oneself. This contributes to mass of unvented upsets and traumatic events that doesn’t allow for the human to think and process thier emotions.
As as mentioned earlier, we can not change a person core beliefs or in fact it is very difficult to change our own concepts. What goes on in someone’s world of reality is not our reality or perspective. Their reality at times can be in sync with our reality by word and action with connection. When those precious moments happen treasure them and remember them. Build them into a foundation of unconditional love for each other. Tomorrow reality can be very different for both parties.Understand every moment in thier world and their feelings,thoughts.It could be a very different scenario tomorrow because of human nature and other implications. The biology of each organism continues to change and adapt intrinsic and explicitly.
Emotional intelligence why it can matter more than IQ (1996) Book