Harmony Connections verses Relationship management

There is over 7 billion different individuals on this beautiful planet and guess what you are never going to meet even 1% which is about 70 million. From the day we are born we come in contact to a diversity of individuals forming different relationships. Some will be fleeting for example the nurse who helped bring you into the world to a long lasting relationship with a friend or family member.

The supreme relationships we can have is when both parties cultivate emotional intelligence. The 4 different areas that is fundamental to having emotional intelligence is 1:self awareness 2:self management 3: social awareness 4: relationship management. The area we will focus on is the last relationship about management but I prefer to call it harmony connections because in my mind I have the big boss or parent trying to control your free spirit obviously this is a projection from me. The idea of harmony connections is ubiquitous in the natural world around us with symbiotic relationships. In essence most humans want a fulfilling relationship where both groups or persons benefit from the interactions.

The word harmony can mean many different things but the flavour or idea of intelligent emotional interpersonal relationships like the sound of a sweet melodious arrangement. The connections between the music and the singer as they combine a crescendo of soul inspiring epiphany.

The world is full of many concepts and ideas on the variety of relationships from parenting to the chief executive officer of a large institution. The areas I have read about and perceive as a good foundation for any meaningful relationship which I will explain in this article in brief are 1: Communication 2 Empathy 3 Listening 4 Understanding 5 Diversity

Communication is so varied and of intensity and duration. In the animal kingdom the ants communicate by using chemical signals or pheromones. Frogs croak to entice a partner or a flamboyant gesture of a bird to succumb their mates libido. The human types of communication is rapidly changing with the use of technologies and demise of emotional intelligence.

Non verbal communication is a skill to develop in emotional intelligence which is often taken for granted. When the couple have been together for many years, just one look will communicate a positive or negative intention. Be wary of mastering this skill because in different cultures, social status and other factors a individual don’t use the same non verbal communication techniques. Try observing your local community and see if there are any common communication styles. Sherlock Holmes the great detective could decipher everything about the person before they communicated. Developing observation skills with your regular relationships will help you interpret their inner world. The verbal communication can be translated by the tone, duration , intensity and the use of words as a great clue of what they are trying to say. The secret is not to second guess of what they want or maybe not want to divulge but to listen.

Listening is a skill to enhance relationships trying to really understand what is happening in their domain which has many different realms occupying their mind. The responsibilities in the modern world can cause the simple man to have an array of roles he plays in his life. Being a father , lover, employee, friend, son, community fundraiser. With these responsibilities comes his feelings of past , present and future associations which can be triggered at any moment. The listening activities are being bombarded by our own conceptions and valuations which can trigger us by what was and not said.

Understanding what the person says , feels and what they don’t know but have a somatic sensations is a swamp of information to translate. The key phrase in emotional intelligence is “what do you mean?”. The deep conversation will reveal at times the truth or knowledge of what they want to say. Understanding simple questions may cause a demarcation of new ideas or concepts or not understanding at all.

Empathy is another vital tool to have harmonious connections because it isn’t just words we communicate but feelings are a part of being human. Imagine your friend or partner came home from work and they have lost their enjoyable job. Tendency for a lot of well meaning individuals is to fix the situation because it fills the fixer need of worth. By actively listening with no judgements trying to imagine you are them feeling their emotions. Empathetic listening is sharing the emotional energy of another person. I can say from experience that the most exhausting week of my life was when my wife was in hospital dying. We rarely spoke, I was just sitting their all day next to her bed just being present.

Finally diversity is a beautiful mosaic of life’s infinite variations of nature and people. Try to imagine every tree was exactly the same and every dog you saw that walked by was the same. Scientific perspective diversity ensures continuation of the species. The great thing about diversity it gives colour and spectrum to our existence. Remembering everyone is a unique individual is essential in emotional intelligence. You will never met another you and you are not the greatest but have amazing talents. Recognise that humans will be different in what they think , what they feel and be unpredictable at times is fact of life. We can’t predict how we are going to feel at a specific time , we might think we can but let’s face it life changes. Having realistic expectations of relationships we can connect into a harmonious orchestra of beauty and synergy.

The stages of grief

We all suffer lost in our lives from the death of a loved one or the loss of a job. Recognising our emotional responses helps us to understand what’s happen to ourselves and to others.

Denial = conscious or unconscious to acknowledge the loss. Rather than adjust to the new change you can feel stuck mentally and sometimes physically to adapt to the new situation.

Anger = You can project or blame as a source of frustration. Anger can be turned internally with conflicts with self.

Bargaining = is attempt to rectify or change the uncomfortable situation. Some even try bargaining with difficult situation solve the problems it causes hoping it will all go away.

Depression = The emotional self is processing the situation reflecting the old experiences and reality. The depression is new adjusting of situation trying to rebuild the new world.

Acceptance = Peace with the new situation and living or adjusting with realistic expectations.

Do you finish what you start?

Life is measure by actual events from the day of our conception to the day we die. The single cell rapidly divides over a gestation period then out you come into the big wide world. All through our life we measure our life by experiences from our first breath , first day at school and our first kiss. Over a 24 hour period the time is broken down to experiences from sleeping to eating , working and watching our favourite tv programme etc.

That is obvious you may say but what about those unfinished experiences or events in your life. For example you started to date that beautiful girl across the street then after a couple of weeks she dumps you. You never saw it coming , you had all those fantasies of getting married and having children , you thought she was the perfect one. How do you feel? All the way through our life there has been many experiences we have never finished and we develop strategies to avoid the unpleasant feelings and sensations that go with unfinished life events.

Gestalt the Psychologist and others develop the cycle of unfinished Business what humans do to cope. The different stages of this cycle is divided to identify our reactions.

Desensitisation is the opposite to sensations because painful emotions are too much for the person to bear. For example when you break up or lose a love one rather than feel the pain you use desensitisation techniques to soften the blow like alcohol and drugs and being busy.

Deflection is not being aware of what is happening and you ignore the emotional information. For example you have just broke up from your girlfriend and you don’t want think about it so you change the information by either activity or conversation.

Introjection is the opposite to mobilisation in other words instead of eating the food you enjoy you are given something you like to eat. An example in childhood experiences you wanted to play with friends but your parents said it was too dangerous but in reality you were safe. You had no choice but to obey and couldn’t play with your friends. Parents say and enforce a lot of introjections that may conflict to your own desires and ideas.

Projection is a very common strategy where a person judgements of self on to others because of shame and guilt and low self esteem. For example someone gives you a compliment but you project it back rather than accept it. Emotions often projected onto others because the person can’t handle the experience of emotional state they are in.

Retroflection is opposite to contact or connection. You may love someone but feel too ashamed to connect with them or you can’t finish what you have started. Imagine all that energy you going to ask someone out for a date then you back off the energy has to go somewhere.

Ego is a positive motivation of the self but because of fears we don’t participate. For example you would love to to play football but watch instead your friends playing afraid you might play badly. Imagine the opposite if you decided to have go and scored the feelings you would experience.

Confluence is when we can’t let go of an event or be ourselves. The wife always wanted to go to the restaurant all dressed up but we prefer to be more causal. Rather than being ourselves enjoying the experiences we go along with the crowd or the individual.This is the last step of the cycle of events but sometimes it hard to move on because of loss or to accept the change.

You may wonder why do I feel that way or have internal or external conflicts. The clues might go back to life events you never completed in your life. For example you are so sad every time your family talks about Granny dying suddenly. The unfinished cycle was that you never had the opportunity to say goodbye.

Unselfish love and boundaries in healthy relationships

Another part of my book What are you afraid of?

What is unselfish love? When we compare selfishness to unselfish then we can understand our motivations and distinguish our own tendencies. Example of the parent and child scenario with the quality of unselfish love for the child. A mother carnies a unborn child for 280 days through rain or shine. The mother shows her unselfish love by not thinking of just about her needs by sacrificing any harmful actions that might effect the unborn child. When the child is born the unselfish love of the parent is pushed to the limits with sleepless nights , lack of personal space and other demands. In sharp contrast the synonyms words for selfish are: egotistical, greedy, narrow minded, prejudice, self interested are just few ideas according thesaurus.com.

A foundation stone to unselfish love would be supported by unconditional positive regard for the person. What does this mean? in in practical terms with a relationship. Positive psychology .com 2019 explains it masterfully ”Unconditional positive regard is not about liking a client or accepting everything they have done; it’s about respecting the client as a human being with his or her own free will and operating under the assumption that he or she is doing the best they can. Does that mean I can accept any behaviour in my relationships? What if they upset me with no unconditional positive regard about my feelings and core values?

The Fear of peoples behaviour can have a tremendous negative effect on us.The impact effect us emotionally, mentally and even physically. When a person actions impact us regularly do we accept all negative behaviours as thier freedom of passage to do what they want. The continued infringement of our own personal space will lead to our detriment and well being. The solution is very simple to resolve.There are millions of individuals for whatever reasons are afraid or don’t know how to confront this real fear of confrontation. Having no BOUNDARIES is one of the most significant reason why relationships don’t flourish. We are shaped from childhood and our reference point both subconsciously and consciously determines what we are prepared to accept there is sometimes a lot fear because of our previous experiences in relationships as a child. The boundaries could of been so extreme and unreasonable we may be still in fear of tackling those boundaries as an adult. Other extreme there may have been no boundaries where you felt safe as a child. Forcing you to see boundaries as a threat to your identity. A trained therapist can help you navigate your experiences of boundaries with unconditional positive regard.Before we explain any further on this area, let see the practical, beneficial and loving reason why boundaries are necessary.

Imagine that you live a cold and wet country with your family in a lovely cosy warm home. Every body safe is asleep in a constant warm, dry, loving environment. Outside the rain is pouring down bouncing off the windows with the wind howling through the trees. The temperature outside is about 2 degrees with the threat of decreasing early in the morning maybe with some snow and sleet on the way. You have an excellent heating system regulating the temperature in the house. Your home is well insulated and secure from the outside elements. This safe and constant environment will be a haven for you and your family. How would you feel after sleeping outside in the harsh environment for several hours or even a whole night? I’m sure your experience will have a very negative effect on your wellbeing. The safest and smartest option will be to refuse to leave the comfort of your home. Sleeping inside the home being protected by the harsh conditions is rationally the best option. We know that having a home comes at cost because that’s way society’s determines the living conditions in western civilisation. We are thankful that every well built house has a structure with the walls , insulation and damp proofing. These very real physical boundaries gives us comfort, security from nature’s weather. The house had to be constructed with clear demarcation of walls and utilities to become a warm cosy home. The architect had a vision of supported frames , structural engineering and flow of the internal space. The same is true with relationships and the necessary boundaries to facilitate the vision of flow in a safe place with a warm intimate relationship.

Every new relationship to be successful another foundation stone of commitment is needed to be in place. A great reference point to negotiate different points of views is to have an agreement on how the relationship will function. In simple terms this is a contract of what is expected by all parties and what is not tolerated in the relationship agreed by all. In fact this is a boundary which is defined in many different ways in society. We see this in the professional environment in the work place. We have examples with the regulations of the communities and the affairs of religious organisations detailing what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. The terms of any contract or boundary has to suit the needs of all parties involved for the continued relationship grow in a healthy environment.

Intimate sustainable relationships

Extract from my book”What are you afraid of”

An important concept with any relationship is to look at ourselves first. For a meaningful and congruent attachment is to recognise this salient point only we can only change ourselves and no one else can do it for us.To think and to act otherwise we inhibit the many clauses of basic human rights. Article 10 freedom of expression Article 9 freedom of thought found online at :equality human right (2018).

Imagine you were required to behave , work , think a special way for a partner , parent or a boss for a period of one week / 7 days with no personal free time. to express yourself. The thought that comes to mind of being in a prison or in some kind of slavery or servitude. You are not allowing yourself to be who you truly are , actually you would be someone else by you acted as you go through life putting your needs secondary.

The beauty of life is it’s endless varieties, the vast array of flower species on this planet is awe inspiring with vast collection of different species. Within the species there is variations of shapes , sizes and fragrances . The variety of many living organisms from the flying creatures above to millions of insects beneath our feet.

There exists an infinite number of human relationships with various needs and attachment styles. Sadly there are the structures of coexistence of humans or family clusters where the legacy of tyranny resides in an open conformist system. Even in a subtle way the ideology of one partner subconsciously performs behaviour to control others.

If you would like complete control in a relationship I suggest that to facilitate that need build a robot who doesn’t think or questions your intelligence or demands. You could have the privilege to program the machine to suit all your basic needs. The Dalia Lama said”We have to consider what we human beings really are. We are not like machine-made objects. If we are merely mechanical entities, then machines themselves could alleviate all of our sufferings and fulfil our needs.” To understand someone and to love them for who they are is the greatest gift you could give them.

To be aware of our interpersonal relationships may be alarming to ourselves. Realising that a component in a intimate relationship that both or one of the parties manifest conscious or subconscious control may cause fear. How would you feel if your children or partner only told you I love because they had to or out of some anxiety. There may be another motive why the words are heard” I love you”.

Everyone has the choice to treat another person as an individual. This includes their personal values, beliefs systems and thier perspective of life. The challenge we will face with this concept is how this can effect us in different ways. The ideas and feelings of someone we care about or love may conflict with our own perceptions and beliefs. Interesting point is that we may not really understand our own concepts of why we think , feel and behave a certain way. Previously we mentioned that we can’t really change people implicitly.

According to Doctor Skinner ideas” behaviour that is followed by pleasant consequences is likely to be repeated, and behaviour followed by unpleasant consequences is less likely to be repeated.others to control them which is called operant Conditioning” simply psychology online( 2018)
When someone has a different point of view try to understand why they reacted or behaved in a certain way gives us a key to unlocking many fears , either ours or theirs. Human nature is very complex with many different behaviour patterns. When we unravel all the clues of a human mind , we still may not have a real picture of why a person acted in a certain way. There are many professional therapists with different specialties which will enlighten you even more on a particular behaviour pattern

Our brain and body continuously process different emotions and thoughts which will predict the way we will act. It is called the default network mode and there is an excellent video that explains this on new scientist.com online(2017) We can choose to be aware what we are doing in a particular moment with a lot of activities. Generally the body operates in an autopilot modality by our subconscious mind with help of the autonomic nervous systems described in simple terms on kidshealth.org. For a more comprehensive insight use of energy in the brain “information on energy intake and body energy stores is transferred to specialised neurones in the hypothalamus and brainstem. In order to maintain energy homeostasis” mentioned in ncbi.nim.nih.gov 2016.

The reference point of past memories of body systems operational management will cause the body to function on a previous events to conserve energy. It is a very complicated science how we exists with so many body systems working harmoniously in synergy. researchgate.net (2005)Let’s take a simple example of human behaviour and piece by piece simplify the process what’s happening in the brain on how it thinks or perceives will happen at an event .

The constructed feeling of anger is a healthy emotion but can be expressed in a unhealthy violent manifestation towards someone else. The simple statement I have gained from emotional intelligence inquiries about an aspect of anger is a person who complains is in Pain! It maybe not totally obvious at first why a person is angry. Let’s break it down bit by bit like Sherlock Holmes the great detective.

The conversation went as follows” I was not happy the way you behaved last night”the partner said. Did you verbally insult them or physically assault them in some way? The simple truth is no from your perspective. You believe your actions where as you normally act. What caused them to react with anger at that moment in time? One question you could ask yourself to investigate their response. Why did they react like that towards me at that time ? You may try to understand what was going on for them.The simple answer to this puzzle is that individuals react in different ways all the time. It may be blindingly out of character or a subtle change we did not recognise . Our conclusions we come to feel or believe that was no issues or even any reasons. So why did this event make it different from similar interactions you both had before.

Here are a list of questions to evaluate to delve below the surface of the quandary. It may take some time to reflect and gather all the information and ideas. Do they always react to constructive criticisms? How would they react if the same question was being asked by someone else? Let’s get to underlining value or core beliefs they have. This will help us to understand the way in which subtle influences could effect why they behaved in a particular manner. Is their Self esteem dependent on what others think and say? What is thier history of self worth? Has there been depletion of past experiences of intrinsic self? This is a huge subject with many great books written on the subject especially the topic of emotional intelligence. Golman (1996)

This is just one scenario of how a person self worth has been manufactured by the environment of the past. Imagine this person was once a child and one or both parents were very critical of their child’s behaviour by what they said and did. Imagine that you are that small insecure child living in that environment. How would the child feel over a period of time with constant negative talk. How would you react each time your parent was critical even though you were a child who is still learning about themselves and the big wide world. With an avalanche of dismantling self belief the child endures. The child personal intrinsic emotional growth is stunted by over bearing criticism. The child has several choices , one is either to challenge the parent authority and have further criticism. Another option to be quiet and believe they are wrong and actually believe and feel that thier opinions are of no value . In time unreasonable criticism will deplete the child natural resources of self esteem.

The tides may of have changed and now a later relationship has been a negative environment at home or work. Another example the partner continues to criticise either by word or deed. Their boss at work or colleagues are critical of them over a period of time. Imagine you are that person who has been closely scrutinised by an imperfect human being who could be a friend or lover. Eventually the frustration, anger and emotional pain will spill out on to someone innocent “ The expression of a lot of anger can be pathogenic,” Teicher says. “Children especially suffer when anger is vented. Openly expressed negative, raw, and intense emotion is hard for many people to witness and can leave scars.” That is, children’s brains seem to turn down the volume on abusive words, images, and even pain. The result is diminished integrity in these sensory pathways.”Harvard magazine online Dougherty. A common coping mechanism the unhealthy angry person uses to distract from their uncomfortable emotional pain is being busy. This strategy is being excessively implemented by trying to hide their turmoil and not face the emotions within.We live in a world , where the demands on life cause much pressure on relationships and oneself. This contributes to mass of unvented upsets and traumatic events that doesn’t allow for the human to think and process thier emotions.

As as mentioned earlier, we can not change a person core beliefs or in fact it is very difficult to change our own concepts. What goes on in someone’s world of reality is not our reality or perspective. Their reality at times can be in sync with our reality by word and action with connection. When those precious moments happen treasure them and remember them. Build them into a foundation of unconditional love for each other. Tomorrow reality can be very different for both parties.Understand every moment in thier world and their feelings,thoughts.It could be a very different scenario tomorrow because of human nature and other implications. The biology of each organism continues to change and adapt intrinsic and explicitly.

https://www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/human-rights/human-rights-act (2018)

https://www.dalailama.com/messages/compassion-and-human-values/compassion

https://www.simplypsychology.org/operant-conditioning.html

https://www.newscientist.com/article/2151137-your-autopilot-mode-is-real-now-we-know-how-the-brain-does-it/

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/brain-nervous-system.html

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5195827/

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/7594263_Memory_as_the_whole_brain_work_A_large-scale_model_based_on_oscillations_in_super-synergy

Emotional intelligence why it can matter more than IQ (1996) Book

Self awareness and empathy

Self awareness is the ability to process your own thoughts , feelings and emotional internal self. The second element is to be aware of the external environment you share with others. The challenge with examining our mental and emotional states may be uncomfortable because of fear and other factors. For example you may have been challenge as a child or even as an adult for being sad. The message conveyed was that your feelings and emotions are not important or even wrong. One typical English response could be when someone encounters a sad person“Be strong , “there are others in far greater distress than you” and the harsh reply” get over it”. Being conditioned that feelings like sadness is bad or not important inculcated from youth in some families has an inhibiting effect on the child emotional growth. The past feelings that occurred naturally such as sadness where ether repressed or ignored by guardians preventing emotional regulation in a child.

Being self aware is an ongoing project dismantling negative states in the implicit because of losses and trauma. The traumas and losses in an individual life is from their own reality and beliefs systems. This effects the biology and neural pathways with a lack of agency over thier bodies. Van der Kolk (2014)says”traumatised people chronically feel unsafe in their bodies; they become an expert in ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness”.

The practice of mindfulness and meditation allows us to feel what is going on in our bodies with attuning of a peaceful state. Because of busy culture and our personality emotions can be trampled on or ignored. This traffic jam of unfinished mental states can cause anxiety and many other problems. The NHS website says in part “It’s easy to stop noticing the world around us. It’s also easy to lose touch with the way our bodies are feeling and to end up living ‘in our heads’ – caught up in our thoughts without stopping to notice how those thoughts are driving our emotions and behaviour. An important part of mindfulness is reconnecting with our bodies and the sensations they experience. This means waking up to the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of the present moment. That might be something as simple as the feel of a banister as we walk upstairs.”

The other important ingredient of being self aware is being able to be honest with ourselves which includes our thoughts, feelings and mental states. Paramount to that honesty is to be honest with the external environment that effects us everyday in different activities and relationships. For example our behaviour or how others view us can be challenging because of a deep down desire and need to be love. We may struggle in our environment:we may not like our job, don’t like where we live or the activities we do but don’t do anything consciously about it because it is a long life pattern we practice with no feeling of joy and contentment. In this state of denial we go to work as a zombie with no enthusiasm but denying how we really feel about the job.We come home not being able to relax in our home and feel guilty about going to the social club to please friends.

The greatest tool we have for self awareness is first to recognise our own mental and emotional states even if we don’t know why we feel those emotions and feelings. With emotional intelligence and being self aware helps us to embrace life with our true authentic self. Hendel(2018)
Says ”The Self can notice what’s going on inside the mind and the body. By using self awareness return to the open hearted state.” She goes on to say “when self is compromised , overwhelming emotions, the young parts of self must work extra hard to regain the open hearted state.” In her book it’s not always depression she says that “open hearted state is the C words which are calm, curious, connected, compassionate, confident, courageous and clear.”
This is the basis for good foundation in a counselling relationship with a client. When the counsellor understands thier own emotions and feelings it enables them to be empathetic with the client. Especially being congruent to their own feelings and emotions during the session.

According to en.wikipedia “Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another’s position.Definitions of empathy encompass a broad range of emotional states. Types of empathy include cognitive empathy, emotional (or affective) empathy, and somatic empathy.”

According Daniel Golman 2007 website and book says “cognitive empathy,” simply knowing how the other person feels and what they might be thinking. Sometimes called perspective-taking, this kind of empathy can help in, say, a negotiation or in motivating people. Then there is emotional empathy,” – when you feel physically along with the other person, as though their emotions were contagious. This emotional contagion, social neuroscience tells us, depends in large part on the mirror neurone system. Emotional empathy makes someone well-attuned to another person’s inner emotional world, a plus in any of a wide range of callings, from sales to nursing – let alone for any parent or lover.compassionate empathy, With this kind of empathy we not only understand a person’s predicament and feel with them, but are spontaneously moved to help, if needed.”

Empathy is the balm for a person wounds soothing the soul within during a distressing situation. To be empathetic is first to learn the language of understanding of your own emotions and feelings which is self awareness . The skills to navigate ones own emotional states is vital because we will become ridged and perfunctory in the counselling session and not emphatic without being emotionally intelligent and self aware. The depth of a person pain is difficult to measure but to be aware of the feelings and present is a vital clue in discovering the clients internal world. Culture, religion, education and other environmental substrates imprint on an individual experience thier emotional intelligence skills as a reference.

In conclusion the vital skills of developing self awareness and emphatic understanding will facilitate a good working relationship regardless of what the internal struggles and external struggles we all face. With the beauty of self awareness it provides an opportunity for us to live in our bodies and have somatic empathy for ourselves enriching the life we have. Embracing relationships with with self awareness and empathy is like the soothing balm that gives comfort and support to a fulfilling relationship.

Bibliography

Golman 2007 http://www.danielgoleman.info/three-kinds-of-empathy-cognitive-emotional-compassionate/

Golman 1996 emotional intelligence why it can be matter more than IQ

Hendel 2018 it’s not always depression
Kolk 2014 The body keeps the score mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma

NHS https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mindfulness/

Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy

Anger

Anger has many negative stories attached to its legacy of violence. Anger has been used as a weapon against common friends and foes with devastating effects. Anger also is a powerful force which has a positive side. Interestingly the baby doesn’t show anger until the age of one years then it is capable of expressing it. The baby realising that it’s needs are not being met then a physiological response starts to regulate the baby brain. Heard the story of the terrible twos with tantrums and explosive fits this helps us to understand the change in behaviour.


Anger starts in the amygdala the part of the brain that navigates emotional response triggers of fear to help the body with fight or flight action. The prefrontal cortex area of the brain controls reasoning, judgment and to think logically before we take action.


There are stages of anger which are useful to understand so we can regulate this emotion. 1 Annoyance 2 Frustration 3 Hostility 4 Rage

There are 3 stages of anger 1 Beginning 2 Middle 3 End.

There is also 3 main types of anger

1 Passive aggressive

2 Open aggressive

3 Assertive.

How to cope with anger or to use anger in a positive way is a learned skill. The learned behaviour patterns we witnessed and experienced will be our internal model. The first key to manage anger is to recognise its symptoms by being self aware of our feelings and those around us. There is consensus that anger is a secondary emotion linked to sadness and fear. Noticing what triggers us or our close companions will help us to understand ourselves and those we are in contact with. Spending time after an episode of anger reflecting on what lead up to and being emotionally intelligent discerning what causes may be. Anger is an action process that when used correctly will resolve a problem or identify a problem. Google online anger iceberg under images is a great way to identify hidden causes.

A great mantra I learnt “ blame(anger) comes from pain”. Next time you or someone is angry , don’t react because anger is sign of emotional struggles within.